I've been thinking again... Well, most of the time I do. There used to be a time where I seek my self within for comfort when I was really down. And that brings me to what I am today. Not really dependent on others for comfort but a listening ear to others. I don't pour my soul out at others, hoping they'll understand. I'll just keep it within myself, trying to understand alot. So that's why, I might understand how one feels. The thought is simple, but the feelings different. I've become a bit less insensitive to others thoughts and feelings now. I don't really care... Perhaps its because I've changed... A bit too much for the last 1 year. Actually, hearing myself say that I'm no longer the same kinds of scare me, not in the sense of fright... but more like denial, refusal to accept. I should accept though... its already in me. I feel like I'm talking about me having cancer... must have read too many stories about it. Haha... Often I write the words "haha" but I never really laugh. And I still don't get why people write "lol" as a habit. I admit, I used to be one who writes that but I've changed my habits. That includes using emoticons and short forms. I've now changed to not using any emoticons and writing with full form (This actually accounts for my typing speed. I'm actually used to typing fast that when I play games, even though I am in the danger of getting killed, I still chat...). And see... I change easliy, so perhaps thats why my thinking is different from others. When I stepped into the classroom, its kind of like me stepping into a different dimension, where everyone is on a different level than me. To fit in, I'll switch personality. This always puzzles me... I can never be the same as I am in school as I am at home. It just takes place. And the thing about school? I'm really a bit too wacky and talks too much. I hate talking... So maybe I'll try tomorrow (Monday) to not talk... *You think you can do it...?* I hope so... Then I'll be myself again... right? I really don't want to change... at least... not change to that weird person I don't know. Okay, I'll stop blogging now. Ciao people~ Laters.
The first post of 2006, after a long period of time, will be officially on the blog. We had a talk yesterday... like teachers students conference. I didn't really listen much, except that I know I had tears. Wouldn't say I cry cause I really wasn't feeling any sadness whatsoever... Maybe tears make me humane or else I'll be totally emotionless. Anyway, most of us were crying... I don't know whether its really because of what she said, or because they're like me, can't be with people who are crying otherwise we'll cry also. But what she said... it really suits some people, me excluded. But come to think of it, my parents actually do the same, comparing me with others. My father always compare me with some guys with cleverer marks. Its like everything is based on exams and marks... not the person's talents. And I can't rebuke, or he'll get angry... for nothing. I just hate this... but I can't voice out my opinion anyway, so I'm just keeping quiet and let it pass. Maybe its because there has been too many times this incident, I've long accepted this. I'll just be silent all the time, and never really listen. So probably, I've become numb to this... Then come to the point... I'm a different person depending on where I am. If I'm in school, talking with friends regardless of old or new, I'll be the joyful one. But if I return home, I'll actually keep quiet. Then the online one, where I'll really open myself. Those are the times I feel that I'm really very fake... I don't think before I talk. I never do I guess... At least online... How many of my friends know how I feel, what I really am thinking? I don't know... don't wish to know... Seriously, once, during primary school, I even doubted friends. Haha... but that's the past. I've changed my views but who knows, things do change... And so do I... Whether I've moved on or stay behind while others move, I don't know. But I'll just accept it. Ahh... Don't even know what I'm blogging about. *Head hurts...* Been on the com for a long time now. So I should go off. Ciao people~ And to Nat, I'm really sorry. I hate people talking behind other's backs which means I hate myself. I'm sorry if I've offended you in any ways but I can't remember what I wrote.
